My friend took her own life on May 18th, 2018.

Hey Annie,

I’m not sure what to write to you because I’m still not sure how to feel. Part of me is mad at myself. But I think that most of me is mad at you. And I’m sad and confused and lost. It’s so unfair to lose such a bright and bubbly soul. You don’t just get to choose this and expect me not to be mad.

It’s been more than a month and I still hate myself everyday, I still miss you immensely every day. I take Ativan to sleep and I take Klonopin so the pain isn’t quite as severe. I wish you knew how much I missed you.

I wish I knew sooner what you were feeling. I keep replaying Wednesday night in my head. The way you acted so normal, and that you didn’t ask for any of the help or attention you deserved. I keep seeing your smile, which could light up and entire room. I miss my friend, and I don’t know where she went. And I know you will have a place where your ashes are, but I can’t believe that’s where you are now. I can’t believe that you’re stuck in a urn and I’m supposed to move on with my life.

I don’t know how to feel about you. You never told me you needed me. I could have come upstairs. You could have come downstairs. Texted. I would have listened if you just told me you needed me. I want to tell you that I would have come. I would have stayed up all night and hung on tight and not let you go and once the sun rose, we could brave Friday together and get you help. 

You also never even gave me the chance to save you. I’m pissed you took the easy way out and left us to pick up the pieces. Didn’t you think that I’d want to do the exact same thing when I lost you? God, every day I think about how if I could go back in time and take my own life before you did, and potentially saved you, I would have. But now these are just words and I can’t do that.

I think about it all the time. And then I thought about how much you damaged everyone now that your life is over.  Your poor parents. Your friends. Everyone is broken because you took your life. And I’m realizing that my life isn’t just my own. My friends and family expect me to be in their lives, because I’m important to them the way you are important to me. I have so many things I need to do, that I need others to do for me. I need my mom and dad to see me walk across the stage for graduation. My sister needs me to babysit her children. You need me to let people know the truth of suicide. I’m not going to give up on myself.

Thank you for making me realize the best in life, even though you had to lose your life to do it. Your soul will never be forgotten. 

I miss you more than I love ice cream.

Love,

Charlene

Day in a Life

Thought I'd shoot for a happier post today. Or at least one that is less depressing.

Here's a typical Wednesday.

7:30 am - Wake up
8:00 am - Breakfast at Carrillo
8:27 am - Head to the SciTrek lab
8:40 - 10:30 am - Classroom time
11-11:50 - Fundamentals of Theory lecture... the most pointless class right now
11:50 - 12:00pm - A mad dash to bio lecture
12-12:50 pm - Bio lecture
12:50-1:00pm - Obnoxious seat saving
1-1:50pm - Soc lecture
1:50-5pm - Hang out and study in the library
5:00 pm - Head home for dinner

Then, I usually just study in my room, watch netflix, or generally be pretty unproductive. :)

Today

Today was one of those days.

It completely humbled me. Kicked my ass and reminded me that I was human, that I needed help, therapy of some sort. I know that a lot of my anxiety today stemmed from my perception of things. And I'm trying to fix that.

My anxiety flared today. It started with teaching a class full of students, eager to learn and hanging on to my every word. I stressed about saying the wrong thing. These kids would hear the wrong thing, and it would sink in, and they would go the rest of their lives believing the incorrect information, I thought.

And once that was over, once I was back at school and ready for my first lecture of the day, we realized we didn't have enough drivers. I volunteered to drive...but also to miss my first class of not only the day but also the week. The schedule was screwed up enough so that I actually had to drive twice and was literally thirty seconds from being late to biology.

Not fun.

An anxiety attack was triggered in bio. It lasted for almost three hours. During this time, I had to get through my list of errands. And there were so many. Paying a small fee, returning the van, creating a powerpoint for my volunteers. I had to change my major today so I could get a class to raise my GPA, and then found out that I needed to have a minimum GPA to get that class...which I didn't have.

I bumped into my ex. My hair kept brushing the back of my neck. The two sexual assaults I experienced in high school and last year were always at the front of my mind.

After the anxiety, there was the fact that everything everything EVERYTHING went wrong. The van had a tire pressure light turn on while I was on the freeway. We checked the tires and nothing was wrong. The tire pressure light stayed on for the rest of the day though... which was worrisome.

Today was just a day. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

2018 Sucks

Posts are gonna be pretty sporadic. Friend was diagnosed with leukemia 1/9/2018.

On top of that, also on the 9th, there were crazy mudslides in Montecito, in which over 20 people died.

Santa Barbara is sort of a disaster. First the Thomas fire (which wasn't in SB but it did get pretty close, and the air here was definitely a health hazard), then the mudslides. And then, they dumped the mud into the ocean and now, the ocean is too dangerous to go in due to high levels of bacteria.

Woop. Like I said. 2018 is really sucking right now.

2017

2017 sucked.

I started the year off well. January and the first half of February were relatively okay. Sometime in the middle of February, however, I was diagnosed with mononucleosis.

It took months, but I did eventually get better - I was feeling almost 100% by the end of winter quarter. I even traveled to China during spring break!

Literally the day I got back, however, I ended up with cancer.

During the year, people died. People came into my life and left spectacularly... in terrible ways. I got sexually assaulted...by at least five people, and of them all, I only know the identity of one person. I don't know how many people have been in me.

2017 was hard and I don't know how I got through it.

The way 2018 is going, however, I don't think it's that much better.

The Plan!

This year, one of my new year's resolutions is to blog every week of the year. Fifty-two blog posts in fifty-two weeks!

Some posts will be long, and some will be short. Some will have pictures, and some won't. Some will have quality content, and to be honest, some won't... but I'm determined to do this anyway!

Why am I doing this? Well...

Over winter break, I ended up in the hospital...twice. The first time was due to overwhelming anxiety and nonstop panic attacks. I would spend days in bed, not even getting up to eat, go to the bathroom, shower... it was terrible. And I guess it was a little too pitiful, so I ended up with some good medication that helped me deal with the crazy mess my life became...

Of course, until I overdosed on said medication and spent another few days in the hospital quite literally on suicide watch.

During that second hospitalization, I journaled... a lot. I wrote until my hands bled, and then switched to typing until my vision was blurry. And it was therapeutic and it helped me begin to sort out the complicated emotional mess in my brain, so here I am. Hopefully, by doing these blog posts, I'll find some joy and a sense of accomplishment.

I don't quite have all 52 prompts yet, which is fine. Therefore, the topics will be quite varied... and I'm excited to see what I find interesting enough to share this year.

Let the adventure begin. :)

- C xx

Going to Town...Downtown!

Today is a post full of selfies! What can I say? :) I love taking selfies.

Anyway, I took a quick day trip to downtown Santa Barbara today. When I woke up, it was really wet and rainy, so I made sure to wear my rain jacket...

(You can sort of see how wet the ground was!)

Fortunately, the world dried up quickly and then the sun came out. I didn't need my rain jacket at all!

Anyway, I took the bus to the transit center. I had five things I wanted to do today. I needed to get my medications - one prescription and one over the counter, a birthday card, some hand sanitizer, groceries, and lunch. I had a budget of forty dollars...I spent around $64. Whoops... it was fun though :)

(The sky was clearing up!)

At CVS, I picked up my medication and two birthday cards, because I couldn't choose which one I liked more. :) Then, at Bath and Body Works, I picked up six hand sanitizers (three for me and three for a friend) and two hand lotions (one for me, and one for the same friend). At Ralphs, I got three bottles of sparkling water, a box of tea bags, two instant soup pouches, and some other little snacks,

(Lunch was a roasted chicken and walnut pesto sandwich and
chicken orzo soup from Pickle & Swiss!)

I got lunch at a little sandwich shop called Pickle & Swiss. It was a little overpriced to be honest, but definitely a treat so it's okay :)

(Me and my purchases!)

Though I did spend quite a bit today, it was nice to just get out. Now, all I need to do is to get through finals, and then I'll be okay. :)

Also - this is the last post of my Blog Everyday Challenge. I'm not sure what I'll do from this point on, but probably not daily posts. It was a little rough, but I did it and I'm proud.