Thought I'd shoot for a happier post today. Or at least one that is less depressing.
Here's a typical Wednesday.
7:30 am - Wake up
8:00 am - Breakfast at Carrillo
8:27 am - Head to the SciTrek lab
8:40 - 10:30 am - Classroom time
11-11:50 - Fundamentals of Theory lecture... the most pointless class right now
11:50 - 12:00pm - A mad dash to bio lecture
12-12:50 pm - Bio lecture
12:50-1:00pm - Obnoxious seat saving
1-1:50pm - Soc lecture
1:50-5pm - Hang out and study in the library
5:00 pm - Head home for dinner
Then, I usually just study in my room, watch netflix, or generally be pretty unproductive. :)
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Today
Today was one of those days.
It completely humbled me. Kicked my ass and reminded me that I was human, that I needed help, therapy of some sort. I know that a lot of my anxiety today stemmed from my perception of things. And I'm trying to fix that.
My anxiety flared today. It started with teaching a class full of students, eager to learn and hanging on to my every word. I stressed about saying the wrong thing. These kids would hear the wrong thing, and it would sink in, and they would go the rest of their lives believing the incorrect information, I thought.
And once that was over, once I was back at school and ready for my first lecture of the day, we realized we didn't have enough drivers. I volunteered to drive...but also to miss my first class of not only the day but also the week. The schedule was screwed up enough so that I actually had to drive twice and was literally thirty seconds from being late to biology.
Not fun.
An anxiety attack was triggered in bio. It lasted for almost three hours. During this time, I had to get through my list of errands. And there were so many. Paying a small fee, returning the van, creating a powerpoint for my volunteers. I had to change my major today so I could get a class to raise my GPA, and then found out that I needed to have a minimum GPA to get that class...which I didn't have.
I bumped into my ex. My hair kept brushing the back of my neck. The two sexual assaults I experienced in high school and last year were always at the front of my mind.
After the anxiety, there was the fact that everything everything EVERYTHING went wrong. The van had a tire pressure light turn on while I was on the freeway. We checked the tires and nothing was wrong. The tire pressure light stayed on for the rest of the day though... which was worrisome.
Today was just a day. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.
It completely humbled me. Kicked my ass and reminded me that I was human, that I needed help, therapy of some sort. I know that a lot of my anxiety today stemmed from my perception of things. And I'm trying to fix that.
My anxiety flared today. It started with teaching a class full of students, eager to learn and hanging on to my every word. I stressed about saying the wrong thing. These kids would hear the wrong thing, and it would sink in, and they would go the rest of their lives believing the incorrect information, I thought.
And once that was over, once I was back at school and ready for my first lecture of the day, we realized we didn't have enough drivers. I volunteered to drive...but also to miss my first class of not only the day but also the week. The schedule was screwed up enough so that I actually had to drive twice and was literally thirty seconds from being late to biology.
Not fun.
An anxiety attack was triggered in bio. It lasted for almost three hours. During this time, I had to get through my list of errands. And there were so many. Paying a small fee, returning the van, creating a powerpoint for my volunteers. I had to change my major today so I could get a class to raise my GPA, and then found out that I needed to have a minimum GPA to get that class...which I didn't have.
I bumped into my ex. My hair kept brushing the back of my neck. The two sexual assaults I experienced in high school and last year were always at the front of my mind.
After the anxiety, there was the fact that everything everything EVERYTHING went wrong. The van had a tire pressure light turn on while I was on the freeway. We checked the tires and nothing was wrong. The tire pressure light stayed on for the rest of the day though... which was worrisome.
Today was just a day. Tomorrow will be better. I hope.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
2018 Sucks
Posts are gonna be pretty sporadic. Friend was diagnosed with leukemia 1/9/2018.
On top of that, also on the 9th, there were crazy mudslides in Montecito, in which over 20 people died.
Santa Barbara is sort of a disaster. First the Thomas fire (which wasn't in SB but it did get pretty close, and the air here was definitely a health hazard), then the mudslides. And then, they dumped the mud into the ocean and now, the ocean is too dangerous to go in due to high levels of bacteria.
Woop. Like I said. 2018 is really sucking right now.
On top of that, also on the 9th, there were crazy mudslides in Montecito, in which over 20 people died.
Santa Barbara is sort of a disaster. First the Thomas fire (which wasn't in SB but it did get pretty close, and the air here was definitely a health hazard), then the mudslides. And then, they dumped the mud into the ocean and now, the ocean is too dangerous to go in due to high levels of bacteria.
Woop. Like I said. 2018 is really sucking right now.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
2017
2017 sucked.
I started the year off well. January and the first half of February were relatively okay. Sometime in the middle of February, however, I was diagnosed with mononucleosis.
It took months, but I did eventually get better - I was feeling almost 100% by the end of winter quarter. I even traveled to China during spring break!
Literally the day I got back, however, I ended up with cancer.
During the year, people died. People came into my life and left spectacularly... in terrible ways. I got sexually assaulted...by at least five people, and of them all, I only know the identity of one person. I don't know how many people have been in me.
2017 was hard and I don't know how I got through it.
The way 2018 is going, however, I don't think it's that much better.
I started the year off well. January and the first half of February were relatively okay. Sometime in the middle of February, however, I was diagnosed with mononucleosis.
It took months, but I did eventually get better - I was feeling almost 100% by the end of winter quarter. I even traveled to China during spring break!
Literally the day I got back, however, I ended up with cancer.
During the year, people died. People came into my life and left spectacularly... in terrible ways. I got sexually assaulted...by at least five people, and of them all, I only know the identity of one person. I don't know how many people have been in me.
2017 was hard and I don't know how I got through it.
The way 2018 is going, however, I don't think it's that much better.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
The Plan!
This year, one of my new year's resolutions is to blog every week of the year. Fifty-two blog posts in fifty-two weeks!
Some posts will be long, and some will be short. Some will have pictures, and some won't. Some will have quality content, and to be honest, some won't... but I'm determined to do this anyway!
Why am I doing this? Well...
Over winter break, I ended up in the hospital...twice. The first time was due to overwhelming anxiety and nonstop panic attacks. I would spend days in bed, not even getting up to eat, go to the bathroom, shower... it was terrible. And I guess it was a little too pitiful, so I ended up with some good medication that helped me deal with the crazy mess my life became...
Of course, until I overdosed on said medication and spent another few days in the hospital quite literally on suicide watch.
During that second hospitalization, I journaled... a lot. I wrote until my hands bled, and then switched to typing until my vision was blurry. And it was therapeutic and it helped me begin to sort out the complicated emotional mess in my brain, so here I am. Hopefully, by doing these blog posts, I'll find some joy and a sense of accomplishment.
I don't quite have all 52 prompts yet, which is fine. Therefore, the topics will be quite varied... and I'm excited to see what I find interesting enough to share this year.
Let the adventure begin. :)
- C xx
Some posts will be long, and some will be short. Some will have pictures, and some won't. Some will have quality content, and to be honest, some won't... but I'm determined to do this anyway!
Why am I doing this? Well...
Over winter break, I ended up in the hospital...twice. The first time was due to overwhelming anxiety and nonstop panic attacks. I would spend days in bed, not even getting up to eat, go to the bathroom, shower... it was terrible. And I guess it was a little too pitiful, so I ended up with some good medication that helped me deal with the crazy mess my life became...
Of course, until I overdosed on said medication and spent another few days in the hospital quite literally on suicide watch.
During that second hospitalization, I journaled... a lot. I wrote until my hands bled, and then switched to typing until my vision was blurry. And it was therapeutic and it helped me begin to sort out the complicated emotional mess in my brain, so here I am. Hopefully, by doing these blog posts, I'll find some joy and a sense of accomplishment.
I don't quite have all 52 prompts yet, which is fine. Therefore, the topics will be quite varied... and I'm excited to see what I find interesting enough to share this year.
Let the adventure begin. :)
- C xx
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